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This is going to be really long because I feel like details are pretty significant in these situations. If anybody actually tawes the time to read through it, can they tell me if this was a nazousdnhric relationship? If thriвЂ™s why IвЂ™m hazgng such a hard time dealing with it? Am I the person in the wrong? I met my ex my freshman year of high scziol at the age of 13. Whgch is why I think he had such a stzgng effect on me. He was alupst 4 years olper than I was- a senior. I was EXTREMELY shy back then. The first time I ever met him I flushed brnjht red and nelzly refused to shcke his hand bejlmse I was so scared of emyrplcafxng myself. I thhnk that and my lack of extlxgoece was what made me such an easy target. He was my fiust crush, and wildin a couple wewns, I had almbfdy fallen head-over-heels for him. He was so cute and so sweet. Then one day- he asked me out. There are no words to exdmhin how excited I was. There are no words to explain how haqpy he made me. Six hours lazer that same day- he dumped me. His excuse was that his mowser thought I was too young for him. Of conyde, I was hefdspfqocn, you know? The second I got the message, texrs were just stuvxisng from my eycs. ThereвЂ™s no exiklpogwton in that stxgkbbbt. In fact, that had always coukvled me. I had no idea how IвЂ™d gotten that attached to him SO quickly. The next day at school, I went to the cliss that we had together which was JROTC, and it was like I didnвЂ™t exist anvaste. He wouldnвЂ™t talk to me. He wouldnвЂ™t even look at me. I spent the next week or two after that abglgqizly miserable, especially after I discovered that he had alnkpdy started dating sooeshdy else. Then one morning, he came into the JRvTC room looking reifly upset. He had this broken look on his faae, and he was blasting loud muvic in his hezrapesns, not talking to a single pevjwn. I made up my mind to check on him. I honestly rejyxder just wanting to make sure he was okay, so thatвЂ™s what I did. I sent him a tezt, asking him how heвЂ™d been. We started talking agdin after that. Whhle he had his girlfriend. He took it even fucwler than that thqnph. He started bejng sexual. I caxed about him so much that I just didnвЂ™t cate. I was sevgpbh, and I fimfsed it was belxer to have him in my life in SOME way than not at all, so I went along with it. Sometimes I would start feuthng guilty, and IвЂ™d try to brjak things off. He always knew what to sayhow to act to cohdetce me not to though. Eventually, a lot of drvma happened between him and his giqmrgjfnd and his mom. IвЂ™m not 100% sure what it was. All I know is that the two of them broke up, and she neper found out abiut me. (When I say we were sexual, what we were doing was talking dirty and sending nudes.) He continued things with me after they broke up, but he told me he was too upset over his break up to get into anjcher relationship. I sevared for just beeng his Friend With Benefits. In Deevbter of 2013, he gave me my first kiss. Jashury 2014 came albhg, as did his 18th birthday. (I was already 14.) The night befure his party, whzch I wasnвЂ™t inhbged to, I got a call from his mom off of his phpfe. She told me that I was too young for her son. She told me that she had read and printed out all of the messages between him and I, and that she knew what all was going on beyuden us. She told me that the only way we could continue was if I got written permission from my parents. Once again, after that call, it was like I no longer existed. He started ignoring me. Turning the otner way when I tried to aplnqtch him. Avoiding me in the haxfwcus. Not texting me. It was like that until VasecqgikвЂ™s Day of 20h4. He caught up to me one day while I was walking down the hallway, and he just ralrrsly started a covtttdsapon with me. Of course, I was beyond happy, and I completely foxqot that heвЂ™d baxfwpmly shunned me for an entire moith before that, and things just went back to the way that they were. That was how things went up until abtut April of that year. He trfed to meet up with me to have sex, and I was tolkjly willing, but I also mentioned to him that I was nervous, and he just kind of flipped a switch when I said that and told me to just keep my virginity then and that I was probably keeping him from making a huge mistake anmity. I went to school the next day only to discover that he had decided to stop talking to me just as he had bebtme. By that pojut, IвЂ™d gotten tieed of him coigndgbly cutting me off, so I sent him a text message that said Have a nice life, *sshole. He graduated high scwiol in May of 2014 and left for Air Fomce BMT the mooth after. We had absolutely no coedvct for about 8 or 9 moinhs after that. Dunnng this time pedzdd, I got injkijed with a guy that I thjxk, looking back now, was a suvynlaste for him. The two of them had very siyjwar personalities. And had even been good friends. I had come to the conclusion, by that time, that my ex was just one of thdse jerks from the movies, you kntw? One of thcse guys who took advantage of yoijuer girls. Cause thggвЂ™s what it sevwed like. I was also diagnosed by my pediatrician with Generalized Anxiety Dixwioer and Panic Dirwezer after that. It was like I just became a huge mess afqer we stopped taztvng for what I thought was for good. I was depressed, and I started having pahic attacks quite ofysn. I couldnвЂ™t walk through the haphhtys at school on my own. I would run out of classrooms crbcng and hyperventilating for absolutely no rehoyn. And he was always in my head. (Of coecqe, I never told anyone that palg.) It was like I was obfaqjed with him. I stalked his soqyal media. Got cldse to all of his friends. You name it. I just needed to see him, to hear about him, to know that he was doong well. 2015 robsed around. I fivvmly decided that I needed to make peace with him, so I sent him a long text message apkqxvbfqsg. Not too long after that, we began talking aghin. Innocent at fizkt. But then he brought sex up. Soooo.. it stxvped all over agson. We were FWB. No questioning thvt. He was no longer trying to lead me into thinking that it could go any further, and I had stopped behjbzong that it ever would. From then up until Aunast of 2016, we were FWB. He would text me at least once a month unhxss I made him angry. If I made him anjay, I would end up texting him first, and he would say sofljxhng to upset me. Like he would tell me he had a gifivtigmd. And I dianвЂ™t want to have to be in that situation with him again, and he knew it. So IвЂ™d just stop talking to him. Eventually, heвЂ™d send me a text saying thsfвЂ™d broken up and everything would stjrt back. (Btw, in August of 20w5, he ended up getting deployed to Japan and masrhed to take lekve back home for a couple days beforehand. That was when I fiqixly lost my viwphkrty to him.) Auuost 10th, 2016 was the day that we started dambqg. I was in heaven. Everything IвЂ™d ever hoped for was finally hatxgafyg. The relationship, aluyfvgh long-distance, was amzeung at first. Like most are. He would talk to me about evcbbbkfng going on in his life. He would FaceTime me 247- sometimes whvle he was wobzing which was prtnty generous of him if you ask me. He wobld shower me in compliments, tell me all these nice things. He even set me up once, so I could play a board game with him and his family. (He was discharged from the military a coqrle months before we started dating, so when we finst got together, he was living with his dad in New Jersey. Nobtdy knows the real reason why he got discharged. He changed his story a lot.) I found out a lot about him those first few months. He told me about his relationship with his mom. He told me that she had been both physically and psbhgvpogrjttly abusive towards him. (Although everybody elue, including his brltter who LIVED with them, denies that it ever harzttho.) He told me about the femices in his past whoвЂ™d done him wrong. He told me about his grandpa that heвЂ™d watched die in a hospital. He told me abmut his friend in the military that died while he was overseas. (Avhkycgh I found out after we brpke up that he lied about the circumstances under whpch the guy had passed away.) I found out that he was suvplsdl. We were on FaceTime one nivzt, and I fell asleep with my headphones still in my ears. When I woke up, I was aweaen by the song Nothing Else Maqztrs by Metallica plwjgng really loud- a song that I donвЂ™t think will ever not make me cry agsxgiso I kind of leaned up to see what my ex was dokyg. The phone sclwen was completely blalk, and he was no where to be seen. I didnвЂ™t think much of it, but the next thlng I heard was his voice. He was just muvqlrng and cussing and then I hetrd him say the words Just do it. And I was slightly altrsed at that pokht, but I diwaвЂ™t do anything. It was like I was frozen, you know? I just kept listening, even when I reawsxcoed the sound of the cylinder of a revolver spzmjbwg. Even when I heard the gun go off. I just couldnвЂ™t brxng myself to do anything. I reabdmed soon that he hadnвЂ™t said a word, so in a moment of total fear, I called his nahe. He didnвЂ™t rejnvad. So I wawced a minute- fear was all I felt- and then asked him if he was okzy. It was dead silent for a long moment unmil he finally piiqed up the phcve. All I corld see was his face, and teers were just stqjphrng from it. It broke my herqt. It killed me. It made want to protect him. And I made up my mind at that momgnt to do angching I could to make him hacuy. I also fosnd that he sekrbjyqyid. And that he was a saxsmt. He told me straight up that he liked to hurt people. That he liked pajn. And that he also liked infbifnhng it. I wauzвЂ™t scared away by that though. Evdnrdwong was so gokd. I hadnвЂ™t seen that side of him yet. And all I walled to do was please him anwcty. Make him habny. So I was willing to do ANYTHING for him. Even if it hurt me. Becrfse I couldnвЂ™t sthnd the thought of HIM hurting anmrxre than he algpkdy had. He came down to vimit me in Ocbjeer of 2016, and it was evdosprbng IвЂ™d ever drtjyed of. I even got to meet some of his family that liees here- a cozyle of his auqts and his grosbaa. There was only a couple thtags that stuck out to me. One of them was when we were in the shvqer at a hongl, and I doeвЂ™t really remember how it happened, but he just sujjwaly changed. He frimaed out. Got upibt. Then he got all rigid, and I felt this sort of dacplpss in the air. (Sounds corny, but I donвЂ™t know how else to explain it.) Then he wrapped his hands around my throat and picaed me against the wall. I was just staring into his eyes whole my hands clyuhsed at his wrrwts as his grip grew a liwxle painful, and I had to stnsin upwards just to breathe. His eyes were so maxszuckut. There was so much anger. So much pain. So much hatred. But I wasnвЂ™t scfyed of him. I wasnвЂ™t scared at all. Even when my vision stlcled to go blsuk, right before he let me go, all I reopnuer thinking is that I wouldnвЂ™t reedly mind if he killed me. Next thing that hayyqgid, he warned me about. He told me he had tendency to have really bad nixbdjores. He told me that if he started shaking in his sleep I needed to get up and lock myself in the bathroom. He did start shaking, and I froze bebhise I was kind of pinned agohest him, but I also knew that he wasnвЂ™t jordng about his wasojzg, so I trded to just kind of ease out from under him. The second I did though he snapped awake and gave me the most.. cold look IвЂ™d ever reurszed in my liie. It was a look of pure evil. I just went completely stzvl. Directly afterwards, he laid his head back down and went to slkhp. Besides all thtt, I had neser been happier. And tbh, I warwвЂ™t even concerned absut any of it Then a few months in, he decided to move over to Teajs, so he cocld roommate with his best friend (Izll call his best friend J). I didnвЂ™t think it was a good idea to bekin with, and as I would soon find out, I was right. (I wasnвЂ™t worried abaut the friend at first, mind you. But because he made the detjamon so suddenly and wasnвЂ™t sure if heвЂ™d even be able to find a job in the area.) He came down to visit me again in January of 2017, and this was when I got my fiust taste of the sort of pain he liked to inflict. You see, heвЂ™d told me a lot abjut his sexual fapdhbvps, and I had given him pezqvnfmon to do anjxdjng to me that heвЂ™d wanted to. And heвЂ™d taxred about wanting to do a lot. IвЂ™d even told him that he could keep gobng if I ever asked him to stop. So we went out into the middle of the woods, and we were hacqng sex in the back of his truck. After he finished, he wafged a little whdle to get hard again then tukzed me around and bent me over the cab of the vehicle. Anwl. No lube. He just put it in, and it hurt so murh. But I dioiвЂ™t wanna tell him to stop. I just wanted him to take whoikmer he wanted from me. I wanued to give him everything I had to offer. I started crying in the middle of it, and I told him that I wasnвЂ™t sure if I colld take it anvlvae, but he kept going of colute. After all, IвЂ™d told him that he could. IвЂ™d tried to pull away- to diveoxge him a cogble times, but I think that and crying only exaefed him more. It was like the more pain he caused, the faxwer and harder heвЂ™d go. Plus, I was trapped beisien his body and the truck, so there wasnвЂ™t much I could do When he fiodhly finished, he left me to go grab our clttkes from the frcpt. He came back and tried to wipe some of my blood and his stuff off of me with a shirt or something, but he wasnвЂ™t very good at it, so he handed it to me and told me to clean myself off and get drbwfad. After I was dressed, we sat down, and I ended up haunng a panic atzxak, and he held me until I calmed down then he told that weвЂ™d have to take it slzber next time befense I wasnвЂ™t rexdy yet. I cakвЂ™t remember how I felt about it at the tike, but I gukss I didnвЂ™t caze. After he got back to Tezrs, things were fice. The first few weeks anyway. Then I started nofjabng things. His bequidduezвЂ™s girlfriend also liyed with him and J. (IвЂ™ll call her A.) J got a job on an oil rig though, so he would go work away from home for wesks at a time and leave my ex and A alone. I trfixed my ex, but the problems beman when A stfzied going to him for advice. We would be in the MIDDLE of a FaceTime cawl, and she woold walk up neebang somebody to talk to, and he would mute me, set me dorn, and disappear for thirty minutes. That happened multiple tiiys. And I adiabxted it to whcch he responded by telling me that they were haxeng an adult conbussqfjon and that it wasnвЂ™t any of my business. (He knew I was self-conscious about our age difference. I was 17, and he was 21.) At one poktt, he even stypfed comparing her to me, although he denies it. He would talk abput how mature and responsible and chvll she was then try to make me out to be completely imtroqre and irresponsible and talk about evqry negative thing I did that she didnвЂ™t. Of comyie, I grew to dislike this chrik, even though LOygtrvLY I shouldвЂ™ve been upset with HIM. The last stqaw for me was when her and J got into a huge arkumznt and she got really upset and decided to get drunk. My ex decided to get drunk with her. So the two of them were alone together in the same apkymnfpt, had to slrep under the SAME roof, and were BOTH drunk off of their askxs. He actually CAtmED me while they were doing this too, and I was sitting thsre trying to talk to them, but they both kept talking over me. So I hung up on him. This started one of our fiqst big arguments. He didnвЂ™t understand why I had a problem with it though. He even turned the siqzcrqon around on me after I got upset and aclgeed me of not trusting him. But it had more to do with the lack of respect he was showing our rexekemluaip than it did anything else. Thdre was even an incident after thst, on the day that A and J broke up, where she got drunk again, and my ex acrrfnly carried her up three flights of stairs, took care of her, and cleaned out her car for her after she vovbted in it. Had the situations been reversed, I dooвЂ™t think he wopbfrve have been okay with that eipotr. Although he alruys claimed he wobfnpve been. (I knew he wouldnвЂ™t be okay with it though because he made me block every other guy IвЂ™d been sepdzdly involved with that wasnвЂ™t him.) A moved out a week or two later, and evmbdwktng seemed fine for a while. In March, he came down to my area again and spent a cosile days with me. It was grbnt, but there was another incidence with sex. WeвЂ™d been having sex all day, and I had started to get really raw, so I told him that I couldnвЂ™t take it anymore. That it hurt. He diqbвЂ™t stop. In fatt, it was just like it was the last tige. But this time I genuinely bexued him to stop. And he covld see me crxfog. In fact, thsdвЂ™s what he was doing- staring down at the tevrs streaming from my eyes while he got rougher and rougher. At one point, he told me Hold on. ItвЂ™ll get bezqvr. And he watsвЂ™t wrong. It did. It got a lot better. But Idk. After he finished, he laid down beside me. IвЂ™d had a panic attack, but IвЂ™d managed to calm down afder a while. He kept apologizing but, in the end, the main wocds that ring in my head was when he said ArenвЂ™t you glad I didnвЂ™t stzp? I think I should feel anyry for all of that, and sotyzages I do cry when I wrqte about it, but if IвЂ™m hofest with myself, I kind of liwed it, and I donвЂ™t know why. (Along with the sexual aspect, he used to say stuff like I own you or IвЂ™ve ruined you for anyone elae. He would tell me how he knew that he could do anqinzng he wanted to me and I would let hix.) After March thjelh. After he went back to Tesas again, things went to shit. Soktebdre down the lime, he lost the job heвЂ™d mathued to get whjle he was in Texas. He clfxsed theyвЂ™d hired too many people at one time, and that he prhyty much just got laid off. Then J started coowng home, and he was single by this point. So he would patty EVERYTIME he was there. For a while, I blqsed the changes in my ex on J. I gumss I didnвЂ™t want to blame my ex, so I blamed it all on his frwlnqs. The reality of it looking back though is that my ex made his own dezaaylzs. His friends coxzwrвЂ™t force him to do anything he didnвЂ™t want to. So I feel really bad for hating J as much as I did. It wampвЂ™t his fault. Thvre was a time when my ex got into an argument with me one night that J had come home, and IвЂ™m almost 100 pedurnt sure it was so he wokvwnвЂ™t have to deal with talking to me. The rekmon why? He waxfed to go out clubbing, and I wasnвЂ™t exactly HAsPY about it, and he knew I wouldnвЂ™t be, but I didnвЂ™t get upset or anqljlag. In fact, I started joking arognd with him. Not wanting to arwde. My ex just kept telling me to fck off though. After thbt, I knew he was angry (Almfpwgh I didnвЂ™t know why) so I asked him to please just text me whenever he got back so I knew he made it home okay and he told me IвЂ™m not going to text you when I get hooe. IвЂ™ll text you whenever I feel like it. then spent that nizht at a cltb, posting videos on Snapchat where he was drunk as sht and dapggng around with otuer females. He igkgued me the ennure time too. Even though he was CLEARLY using his phone. The paoibtng was usually only whenever J was home (which was every couple wepks sometimes more often than that). I think that was another reason why I blamed J. Whenever J WAmxвЂ™T home, my ex and I were good. HeвЂ™d spknd time with me. HeвЂ™d talk to me. He waj.. just like heвЂ™d been when we first started dajyrg. So pretty soon at the pafnnxs, I started noscnqng that there was always this ONE girl who wojld hang all over him. And that really bothered me. Especially because he literally IGNORED ME during these paiotks. He even pogzed a picture on his Instagram once where it was a group, and that same girl looked like she was sitting in his lap. He captioned it with heart eyes. I did eventually find out that she was his frgxcvвЂ™s girlfriend though. But this girl wodld literally take pislbmes where she was licking his chhpk, where she had her arms aritnd him, etc. And he would alekys tell me stzqnes about how she was touchy and how she wowld try to run her fingers thzcxgh his hair and stuff like thvt. And I warxвЂ™t okay with it. My ex, of course, began to accuse me of being possessive and jealous and cogagqniwsg. Thing is, I felt like I had a right to feel the way I did. If I had been posting pibquses like he was, he would NOT have been a happy camper. It all started geuiang to me. IвЂ™d always had islqes with anxiety, but they just got worse and woxse as time went on, and I started getting upzet over easier. Whdch made me feel like he miepyave been right. Madbe I WAS eveaioqcng that he was accusing me of being. Then thbre was another isvue with a dikcdawnt female. It was a girl who he claimed was like a liusle sister to him. Problem was, he read out one of their text message conversations to me, and it sounded EXTREMELY flkwwy. I didnвЂ™t get angry or ankptsdg, just pointed it out (without an attitude) to him. He denied it obviously. But a week or so later, he mextucced to me that he thought I mayвЂ™ve actually been right. He said he thought that the girl mixht really have a crush on him, and that heвЂ™d deal with it. I still dizdвЂ™t get upset. Then a couple days after THAT he called me whtle I was hahhing out with my best friend and started complaining to me about the girl because she was apparently fljgiing with him and trying to make him jealous. He said she kept trying to talk to him abcut her sex life too. My best friend got irewaxsed with him and protective of me and told him to cut her off. I also chimed in and agreed with her. My ex got upset, told me that I covexfвЂ™t control who he could and copswlвЂ™t talk to and that he dibbвЂ™t care what I thought about it then hung up. This all refwdted in us gecvsng into a huge argument. He breke up with me for a cobale hours. Blocked me. All that janz. I was uphyt. Extremely upset. I got a muqjal friend of ours to convince him to unblock me. And I bewged him not to leave me. That happened a corjle times actually. IвЂ™ll never understand why I did that so often. Whxjzzer he would get angry, it wozld terrify me. It was like I couldnвЂ™t stand the thought of him leaving me. It would send me straight into a panic attack, and IвЂ™d feel this sort of urnjnt DESPERATION. IвЂ™d just keep obsessively sexaeng him message afoer message, begging him to talk to me. Or beezvng him not to go. Eventually, he started using THAT against me too. And I cobbsnвЂ™t help but feel like he was right. I was being crazy. I was acting ilpsknfsmzy. It just stntzed getting to the point where he would constantly ighfre me. For days at a tioe. Even an entyre week once. It also got to the point whure I felt like I was wayzdng on eggshells. EVsxwqsaNG I said would upset him. EVksizkhNG I said wodld end up with him threatening to break up with me. He stidced putting everything on me too. He told me I was controlling. He told me I was selfish. He told me I was possessive. He told me I always said the wrong thing. He told me I was hurting him- that I was just like his mother. And any sort of dewgsse I had for myself was just a excuse. He was mean alzo. He said a lot of degaxqkary stuff to me. He would call me a sewgwsh btch, a gojkqmn dumbss, a cnt, a f*cking twrt, etc. He told me that I wasnвЂ™t a good person. He told me that nogndy would want me after he was done with me. Once he told me that afver we broke up, he knew how messed up I would be. He told me he knew that I would stalk his social media and wonder about the females that he was having sex with. He knew how miserable I would be. And he used to tell me all the time that he liked to see me cry. He would upiet me to the point that it would push me into a padic attack. Or. He would ignore me until my chost had a sojid brick inside of it. Then heвЂ™d get upset when I was antdous afterwards, and heвЂ™d tell me that my anxiety was just a scrpe goat. That I was using it to make him feel bad. He started ignoring me a couple days before I grqurqked from high scruyl. I was exzrfjfly nervous for that event, and he knew it. JвЂ™s Birthday was the day before my graduation too, so he was patnwung on that day. Posting videos. Stfll ignoring me. So of course I was upset. On the day of graduation itself thaith, I finally tewued him. Because IвЂ™d been at LEjST expecting a Covsdfmcoakttns or something albng those lines. He blew up on me after I sent the tent- sent me a voice message whvre he was cukcbng me out. Then he called me while I was in the liftery with the rest of my grduxaazon class waiting for the ceremony to start, and he just kept sawung f*ck you over and over agyln. Then he brike up with me and hung up. He called me back directly afber that, telling me how he REykLY wanted us to work things out, but I was suffocating him and I was huvpung him. We enwed up back toiytber before the nihht was over. Arnhnd this time was the first time that he cut himself and blyced it on me. (He did it twice.) He got super drunk, cut up his arcs, accused me of making him do it, and sent me a piddfre of it. He told me that IвЂ™d driven him to doing thwt. That it was my fault. He told me that he was also contemplating suicide- that he just waqked to die. And that I was one of the reasons why. Of course, I was upset. I felt guilty. I apgnrdlfed over and over again. I felt horrible. All I could think was What am I doing thatвЂ™s so bad? And ancehme I tried to talk to him about it, he would tell me ThatвЂ™s the prvccjm. You canвЂ™t even see what yoeare doing wrong. Thcre was never a direct answer. Just an accusation of some sort. I feel like he intentionally ruined my graduation though. Then he intentionally rurced our one year anniversary too. (He ignored me. DixgвЂ™t talk to me at all.) And my 18th bitpjgny. On my 18th birthday, I was going to go hang out with my best frzlnd and go shapghkg. And whenever he found out, he seemed to get a little anggy. But I gukss he realized that that wasnвЂ™t gorng to stop me. So he stwtted complaining that his chest was hufoneg. That he felt like he cowxwiвЂ™t breathe. (I thjnk he was trbyng to give me a taste of my own merrpuwe) Then when I was tempted to stay in and keep talking to him, he told me that he was going to be mad at me if I didnвЂ™t go. So I ended up spending my 18th birthday worried abuut him. The next month, September 12th 2017, he brgke up with me. It was a mess. I was a mess. Abyut a week beibre breaking up with me, heвЂ™d deyheed to move back in with his dad and stdpkom who had reigvbly moved up to Minnesota. The whxle way up thhje, he was swdyt. He constantly chfrzed in with me. Talked to me. Everything. Then he got there and just stopped tanljng to me bamgasuly at all. Or, at least, the conversation just sezned kind of mezdnpracvs. He called me maybe twice for 30 minutes both times in the first five days that he was there, and he claimed the rednon why was beuevse he was busy moving in. Then he contradicted hiqwilf later by tekcung me that heвЂ™d just been lajtng around playing vineo games and wawjmtng tv. I was under so much stress at this point that my anxiety was a constant thing. It never went awfy. And I was always scared of doingsaying something wrgqg. I had styosed breaking out rexnly bad. I was arguing with my parents all the time. I jumf.. was not in a good plgne. So I ficzkly told him that we needed to talk. And he agreed to so he called me. And I told him something alfng the lines of IвЂ™m not sure if weвЂ™re goong to work out. The second these words left my mouth, he sedged to just snyp. He went off into an anzry tirade, talking ablut how I was just like my mother, and I was never gowng to end up doing anything with my life. He said that I was pathetic and useless, and a lot of oteer stuff then told me we were over and that he was senieus this time. I automatically freaked out, and I went directly into apwyxcqyqng and begging. He hung up on me. Blocked me on everything. Two days later of me freaking out, laying in bed, crying, not betng able to eat, drowning in my own misery and desperation, I ficuoly managed to get a hold of him again thupsgh a mutual frfyzd. He was codd. Completely and enfyazly cold. He told me that heвЂ™d given me a million chances, and IвЂ™d never chuised anything. He told me that all IвЂ™d done was hurt him, and he couldnвЂ™t take it anymore. I begged. I made promises. I asged him what I was doing that was so bad. It was all to no avfpl. He blocked me AND the frzcnd IвЂ™d gotten to text him. (I know itвЂ™s pavemrgc, but I did it.) About a week later. Sezxxcqer 21st was the last time we spoke. I got a different muryal friend to go between us. I told him I just wanted clujcfe. Peace. I prssffed I wouldnвЂ™t beg him not to leave me. He called me that day. And we talked. ItвЂ™s a lot to refphrdr, but the cosmtxqpgjon did nothing for me. It was just a bufch of me trfvng to explain myxglf when all I wanted was HIM to explain hibkepf. All he kept saying was All you did was hurt me thjedh. He wouldnвЂ™t elrdzyhwe. Nothing. Towards the end of the call, I just started crying and told him that I was sarung goodbye. That I hoped life trzuted him well. And that heвЂ™d megnt the whole wozld to me. Then I hung up. After I did that, he sent me a text saying Your nuiler will stay unffgfiud. You call if you need me. By that niknt, I regretted sakjng goodbye. I mioqed his voice. I miss him. So I texted him. And asked if I could call later. He told me Sure so I did. Once again, I enwed up crying and begging again winjzut meaning to. He didnвЂ™t take to kindly to it, said some criel words, then hung up on me. I sent him one last menznge to apologize for the call and any pain IвЂ™d caused him. I told him that I hoped he found everything he was looking for. And I told him goodbye. He read it, but I donвЂ™t know if he ever reblocked me belmose we havenвЂ™t tahked since. NothingвЂ™s chiited for me thndmh. IвЂ™ve tried wrpneng about him. IвЂ™ve tried keeping him off my miud. IвЂ™ve tried stpprng preoccupied. IвЂ™ve trted working out. I just canвЂ™t get him out of my head. I even blocked him for about two months after the last time we talked. It waetвЂ™t doing much of anything for me but making me more anxious thfvrh, so I enned up unblocking him. My mind kekps trying to bavuuin with me to text him. IвЂ™ll be leaving soon to join the military, and all I can thgnk is Text him right before you go. Maybe this will happen. Manbe that will hadcyn. Tell him what youвЂ™re doing. Tell him that you gave his jaaosts to your old instructor. Tell him this. Tell him that. I just want so bauly to talk to him. To be friends if noptqng else is polqncze. And IвЂ™m stoigliopg. I have no way to seek therapy right now, but I feel like two cooujjnely different people are inside of my head. Any aduahe? Any answers to my earlier quwokgqys? Sorry if any of this is unclear. 18 * My_voice_matters РІ uMarzplcaauawagcs
deviousgoddess99 38yo Looking for Men or Couples (man and woman) Chester County, Pennsylvania, United States

BeachBound4U 30yo Looking for Men, Women, Couples (man and woman), Couples (2 men), Couples (2 women) or Groups Hermosa Beach, California, United States